What the hell Aizen?
by The Lord Of Pages
Summary: So the events in Bleach have made you upset, so the utter stupidity of Tite Kubo has pissed you off, so here's the characters you know and love pointing out the stupid plot-twists so you don't have to.


( Hehe. This is a new Bleach Parody from your's truly, a collection of shorts themed around Ichigo being sarcastic and just wondering what the hell is going on. A lot of this material has spoiler's and is based around the absolute ridiculousness of the later part's of the manga. SO without further talking, I present Bleach, "What the hell Aizen?")

I don't own Bleach. No funny comments or snarky wisecracks.

* * *

Aizen chuckled softly as Ichigo pants weakly, his frame littered with cuts and stab wounds from Kyoka Suigetsu.

The crazied mad-man steps forward slowy, speaking to him as if he was a small child," So you see Kurosaki-kun, every event in your life was planned by me. Your entire adventure's were all a part of my great masterpiece." Aizen finishes with a flourish, as if proud of making Ichigo his pawn.

Ichigo holds Tensa Zangetsu tightly, growling hatefully at his foe,"Bastard...Go..to hell!" He shouts out.

Aizen just looks smugly at him as he shakes his head slowly," I knew you'd say that."

Ichigo looks at him with a confused look now,"Wait..what?" he says bluntly.

The man with the plan who can't get a tan just laughs at his question," I even knew you'd say that!"

"...Okay, I'm calling bull-shit now." Ichigo dead-pan's out.

"I even knew you'd say that and behave in that manner." Aizen says smugly.

"..."

"You remember that moment when you were thirteen? The one where you saw Tatsuki naked?" Aizen asks suddenly, making Ichigo blush slightly.

"Wh..what of it? She kicked my ass for that!"

"I planned that too!" Throwing up his hands, Aizen says that dramatically.

"..Why?"

"For the Evulz mainly." Aizen says curtly, a smug kitty look on his face.

"...So wait..when Yoruichi stripped for me when I was learning Bankai..."

" That was me too." Says he who somehow never needs Gel.

"...And that was for..what reason?" Ichigo asks with a twitching eyebrow.

" Just 'cos I hate Kisuke."

"...Understandable..."

" I knew you'd say that." Snarks out Aizen, Ichigo just slaps his face, than tosses down his sword with a growl.

"You know what? If you don't treat this situation seriously, I might as well just go home and do Yoruichi or something..."

" I knew you'd say that as well." Aizen laughs out, Ichigo just tosses down his sword now.

"Fuck this. I'm outta here."

With that, Ichigo just air-walks away, making Aizen hold out his hand unhappily.

"Wait..Don't go! I'm lonely!"

* * *

As Gin stabs Aizen with his sword, he grins dementedly at his former boss, telling him that when he hurt Rangiku, he was going to kill him.

While Gin waits for his Bankai's true power to kick in, Aizen just stares blankly at him.

"...So. You willingly betrayed your best friend and lover, tried to kill the Chosen one than ran off like a little bitch, fought the said best friend again and beat her up, and now all of a sudden you go,' I'll hurt ya if you try and kill her' right now? Pardon my English..But..What. The. Hell?"

"..Uhh...maybe I didn' think this through."

"No Shit Sherlock. All of a sudden, now you reveal that you're not such a bad guy after Oh...say...more then several hundred chapter's worth of walking around with your little Slasher smile, and acting like a prick? This is some serious bull-shit. At least when I turned out to be evil, I stayed Evil, but you won't do that, will you? Nooo! You have to pull a Heel Face turn and go," I will stop you Evil one!" Either you're just trying to kill me so you can take my place, or this is the most blatant case of bad writing in an otherwise fairly well done series."

"Paintin' the fourth wall now, eh?"

"I'm just shocked at the over-whelmingly stupid thing you're doing right now. And what's this about," Hiding" your true power? What are we? Dragon Ball Z villain's who suddenly reveal new form's like we're dealing out crack infused sugar ball's? This is Bull-shit Gin. You've had this whole Snake in the Grass aura about One hundred percent of every single second you're on the air, and when you show your Bankai finally, it turns out to be fuckin' awesome. But now, right out of the blue, it pulls a never before used ability that can hit me with an Instant Death spell out of it's figurative ass? Oh Spare Me!"

"Umm..it's not that bad.."

"Oh! But here's the best part! I'm the Big Bad, and even if somehow I get beaten, I'll just pop up several chapter's from now in Bondage gear going," LOL I'M BACK!" And another thing I...Ohshitherecomesthepain..BLEGH!"

Aizen rants out angrily, with Gin looking more than little ashamed of this move, weakly defending himself until Aizen gets really upset, coughs, and has his chest torn up.

* * *

Isshin Kurosaki, Bad-ass Dad with the most awesome Anime beard glares at Aizen heatedly, the man in question just looks smugly as he extols the virtues of the Hogyoku.

"It evolves to protect me Isshin-kun, always growing to protect it's user, and I have become fully aware of it's own will when I fused it to me."

"..."

"And! It can even reraise me! Oh yes, and it plays an Evil Overlord Theme when I transform!"

"Wait..really?" Isshin asks in surprise, Aizen smirks widely at him.

"Oh yes indeed! It can shine my shoes, repair my clothes, cook me breakfast, AND tell my fortune!" Aizen lists off it's greatness proudly.

"What else can it do?" Asks an over-eager Man-child.

"It can strip women down with Laser-beam's!"

Isshin's jaw drops at that admission, looking at Aizen like he was God.

"And best of all..I am a Bread-maker now!" Aizen throws out his arms proudly.

"Pfft! No way!"

"No really, watch!" With a twist of his nose, Aizen grunts, than pulls out a loaf of Pumpernickel bread from behind his back. He tosses it to Isshin who just stares at it dubiously.

"It didn't come your ass, did it?" Isshin asks with a suspicious look.

"No. It did not." Replies Aizen briefly.

With a quick look, Isshin munches on the bread, tasting it slowly, he nods at Aizen.

"It's not bad."

"Thank you."

* * *

Isshin attacks Aizen from behind while Kisuke engages him from the front, the three men trying to fight each other without being called gay due to the Unfortunate implications the previous sentence had, as they clash, Aizen suddenly looks up above him.

Yoruichi flies down at Aizen with her leg raised in a brutal ax-kick, untill all of a sudden Aizen jumps back, dodging it.

"Not gonna happen Yoruichi-chan. Want to know why?" He says, than asks her in his condom outfit.

The woman voted most hot anime Black Chick who is also a Ninja growls at him, "Why indeed Aizen?"

Aizen just snaps his fingers, as a disco ball flies above him via an unnamed Kido spell that will never be explained or given a proper chant because obviously information like that is for nerds who want to write perfectly bad fan-fiction with the proper Japanese translations and spellings of every single thing despite how awkward and annoying it is to find a translation site, than to put every single little Diacritic into the names and technique's of every single character who has them, all in the name of bloody perfect accuracy.

"Because...You can't touch this!" Aizen says as he starts dancing in midair.

"The names Aizen, Sousuke, I'm a total bastard, but none of you suckers can touch me or my word's. I'm evil, I'm cruel, I stabbed a total tool, the names Aizen bitches, and I'm not such a fool!" He raps out.

"I've betrayed every single person I have ever been near, constantly stabbing them while mocking them in their ears, I'm an Evil mastermind who is without equal, you guys can't even beat me in a sequel." He continues, somehow getting sunglasses and a pimp cane.

"Have you any idea of how far I've gone? Doing this and that with my mighty B," Ichigo shouts out," CENSORED!" as Aizen continues," I'm evil that's true, you bastards are total fools, I'm such a fu," Ichigo yells out again,"CENSORED!" while Aizen continues," Do you have any idea of how cool I am? I can stab and stab and stab and still kill a tool!" He now has a pimp-hat and coat, the two stooges plus babe stare at him in shock.

With a flourish, Aizen throws off his stuff, looking smugly at them all," As you can see, I'm awesome."

Ichigo just appears behind him and snaps his neck, Yoruichi looking impressed as Ichigo sighs out tiredly," Now onto the next short..."

* * *

Ichigo stares at the combined form of Tensa Zangetsu and his Inner Hollow, nodding slowly,"...This. Is. Bull-shit!"

* * *

**_The computer screen flips out and shows a bunch of colored bar's, until a picture of Yoruichi in cat form being held by Ichigo appears with the words," Hang in there Babe." right underneath her shows for the next nine minutes as hilarious intermission music plays, the screen reconfigures itself after that time is up._**

**_

* * *

_**

Ichigo holds out his hand in his utterly bad-ass Saigo no Getsuga Tensho form, creating a huge blade of black energy out of thin air, before swinging it down on Aizen who just makes a face with an angry frown with huge bugged out pupils and very stressed facial lines, Ichigo has his eyes looking happily away and off to the side as he swings down his huge sword.

* * *

Ichigo loses his powers totally after utterly owning Aizen, who was sealed away after a long drawn out bull-shit fight with Kisuke who still fails at life, Ichigo wakes up in his bedroom, than gets the mother of all bull-shit laid on him from Rukia, Rukia stands in front of him looking sad about him no longer being able to see her. He just nods slowly, "Orihime."

The love interest in question looks surprised to be called on, looking embarrassed at him calling her by her given name, " Y..YES KUROSAKI-KUN?"

"Reject reality so I can get my powers back." He states bluntly, making her eyes go tiny and small, a few periods going over her head until she looks surprised and nods rapidly," AH! HAI!"

With a concentrated effort, she rejects reality with her God-mode powers, giving him back his Zanpakuto and all. He looks at Rukia who throws her arms out angrily," YOU CAN'T DO THAT!"

Raising an eyebrow, he looks at her with a bored expression," Why not?"

Rukia gets frantic now," Because this is obviously a poorly done attempt by the writer to do laughable angst leading to you having to lose your memories and have a normal life until you get them back in whatever contrived reason he comes up with! This is also meant to establish you and Orihime as a workable pairing while I'm stuck with Renji..AND!"

"Rukia. Two things. One, I'm.." he leans in and whispers into her ear, making her eyes bug out as she looks at him in awe," Re..really?" "Yeah. Why do you think my Bankai is smaller?" she nods slowly," So that's why..?" he nods in confirmation," Yeah."

She looks carious about the second, which he explains," I'm the main character, I'm the favorite character, and I'm awesome. Dumb shit like the above WON'T fly."

"So. Want to have sex with Orihime and Tatsuki joining in? We can film it and show it to your brother." she looks eager, than stops as she rubs her chin," Can Renji be shown this too?" Ichigo nods with a shrug," Sure. Why not?" With a look at Orihime, he grabs her up, and disappears with her and Rukia over his shoulders, his hands on their asses.

* * *

Ichigo looks at Kugo and the members of Xcution slowly, nodding at them as he face-palms," Okay. So, you guys are gonna give me back my powers, make me awesome again, make it so I don't have to do this bull-shit real life shtick anymore, and you guys are gonna do this...Why?"

Kugo just shrugs," For the Lolz I guess. It'd probably be better than what Tite Kubo actually gives us."

Ichigo has to agree there, the bastard made him full of fail all of a sudden and that wasn't acceptable," You guys promise not to go all Yu Yu Hakusho on me right?"

Kugo nods slowly," Sure. Why not? This way we won't get more shit from those rabid Yu Yu Hakusho fan-boys who'll just yell out crap like,' HOU BASTARDS! YOU RIPPIN' OFF OUR SERIES AGAIN!11!' or, 'BLEACH IS JUS DBZ WITH SWORDS LOLOL!11!'

"True that, man. You guys also promise not to turn out to be secretly evil later on?"

Kugo shakes his head sadly," Sorry Ichigo. We're a secret organization who can do this stuff for you free of charge apparently and for no real reason, we're evil, that's how it always works. Several chapters we're gonna go and say,' LOLOLOLO! FOOLED YOU!' 'cos look at my close up."

The camera zooms up on him as he shows a sinister smile, it zooms back out as he shakes his head slowly," With a face like this? I'm gonna turn out to be evil. Sorry."

Ichigo frowns," Ahh.. that blows."

Kugo shrugs," What can you do? We'll probably turn out to be secretly working for Aizen, or something, because if he doesn't have his hands in this someway, we're gonna turn out to be yet another lame M.I.B outfit sanctioned by the government of the human world. And than some retard politician will go," NUKE TEH SHINIGAMI!" And we'll have basically the armies of the undead kicking our ass because we all know, Magic owns technology. Life sucks in a secret organization."

* * *

Ichigo wakes up from a dream as he sees a silhouettes of a red haired guy with face tat's and a short midget with no breasts, he nods slowly," Gotta lay off Orihime's cooking." He turns over in bed and goes back to sleep.

* * *

**_The screen breaks up again, until it shows Ichigo in a very good suit with his hair back, and Yoruichi in a matching suit with glasses on._**

"Breaking News's. Apparently in the recent chapter's of Bleach, some major bull-shit has happened and plot holes galore have popped up. Raising the question of how Tite Kubo is able to continue writing this series when I've lost my powers and now have to work with an organization who will give them back to me. Yoruichi has more."

Yoruichi adjusts her glasses as she nods and reads a report," This just in, Tite Kubo has been found with several LSD infused chocolate balls in his bathroom, he has been eating them every day before he begins writing what'll happen next in Bleach. The Police have found him innocent of all charges because they're all moron's, and I'm still hot as hell and being done by Ichigo when I'm not being sexy."

Ichigo looks off screen," Now, onto the weather report with Orihime Inoue. Orihime?"

The cheerful girl takes out a pointer and shows us a huge board with brown clouds over what appears to be Japan, " And the Shit-storm's have been raining none stop on Japan after various people have questioned the intelligence of the recent plot twists in Bleach, they have not let up since the recent twists in Naruto have been revealed. Back to you Kurosaki-kun."

It shows Ichigo again with Yoruichi gone, and a mysterous slurping sound being heard from underneath the desk," This has been FF.N's Bleach News Channel. Back to your regular program."

* * *

Yuzu shows Ichigo her test scores happily, imagining him rubbing her hair kindly with his big strong hands, leaning in close with his kind loving smile only she got to see everyday, as he whispers into her ears that she was his favorite sister, while she blushed deeply while she gets hugged by him, than he starts rubbing her body with his hands, stripping her of her clothes as they make sweet tender, Karin pops up suddenly looking serious," This isn't a Doujinshi Yuzu-nee. He won't suddenly do that out of the blue because you've started reading Incest Doujin's." Yuzu just turns about with her sweet face gaining angry white eyes and a mouthful of sharp teeth, " I CAN STILL DREAM YOU BITCH!"

* * *

( And that's this, I hope you all enjoyed this fic, and loved the utter randomness and parodies I did of the newest plot twists in Bleach. Seriously, this stuff is bull-shit and I'm not happy. This is the Lord of pages, over and out.)


End file.
